Anxiety, Fear, and other Diseases

Good evening everyone!

I thought I would drop in and let you guys know a bit about whats going on with me at the moment, as well as talk about some of the strange mixture of emotions I seem to be going through recently.

I have basically decided that I'm no longer going to be a teacher, and instead I'm going to do my darnedest to be a novelist. That decision has been slightly troubling to me, as it basically represents the largest risk I've ever taken in my life. I've deviated from the 'safe' path that I ordained for myself in early high school. I'm risking my whole future on the next year, betting against all odds that I'll be able to produce something worth reading, and even publishing.

I honestly would have made the decision ages ago, except for the fact that I was afraid. You see, as long as I was travelling down that 'safe' path, I was just that. Safe. Moderately sure I would get a job, moderately sure I would like that job. I was willing to take that higher chance of job security over the skills God had given me. Why? Well, what would it mean if I were to fail? I would have wasted large stretches of my life putting effort into something that really wouldn't have made a difference. I was afraid that no one would want to hear what I would have to say, and I would be confirmed as good for nothing, literally having almost no other talents.I used to say, better 'safe' then sorry.

So, having finally made that decision, here I am, worrying about exactly the same thing. What if my book is horrible? What if no one wants to read it? What if it doesn't get published? What if it does get published and doesn't sell at all? Will this prove my own insignificance?

On top of all of this, one of my favorite online personalities and role model, John Green is coming out with a new book very soon called The Fault in Our Stars. Even though it is not quite out yet, he did a reading of the first chapter on youtube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_vFvbfn9Fs&feature=feedu

I highly reccommend you watch it. It would be a something to regret if you didn't.

Now, it's very good. As a reader, I love that. I rather want to buy that book now, having heard the first chapter. This troubles me as a writer. However much I know I shouldn't, I compare. I compare that thing of true literary beauty to my unwritten, unfinished, and unrefined book. I find that quality of writing beyond me. Of course, my mind starts asking the what if's, and I find myself stuck with a serious case of Author Envy.

This has left me in a basic state of unrest for most of the evening, going back and forth between the computer and some mindless video game to distract me, until I found that they could distract me no longer. This anxiety, this fear, and this envy are all things that I'm going to have to deal with in their own times. The fear isn't conquered even though I've made that decision, the anxiety will likely plague me for a long time whether I'm successful or not, and the envy will also likely stick with me forever. They will be things that I will just have to deal with.

But you know what the most important part of this whole thing is? I'm feeling something, anything at all. And that makes me feel alive. That is why I know that I've made the right decision, and despite all my worries, fears, and envy's, I am doing exactly as I should be doing.

Three more days, as the clock ticks, until NaNo. I've never been more anxious or more excited in my life. :)

Writing for the Future,
Marc Eshleman